News of the Crow

Super Chef Nelio Jardim will have a little difficulty picking his nose in future as he might have chopped off more than he can chew in the kitchen this week. "There I was, mindin me own business and WALLOP..I've only chopped a few pinkies off." Nelio, famed for his Portuguese soup will have to make do with his left hand from now on....if you get my drift....

"Aw-right mush, I fink um gonna get me a beer."
yes, that's the sound of our new resident agony aunt, BIFFA!! Biffa trained at the highly acclaimed Sandhurst Comprehensive secondary school in all manner of subjects, none of which involved being an agony aunt in a crap paper like this!!!

David + Lynn Appleby will be looking to run the tea's + coffee's next season, but lets hope they can resist telling people to 'shut their cake-hole' as this young girl found out last season. "It was a rather unfortunate incident involving some Jaffa Cakes,"

explained David. "Lynn was serving and this young lass kept on and on about how much the cakes cost and would Lynn be any longer as Christmas was coming and she was in danger of getting her pension before the cakes, when SNAP! Lynn let her have the whole box." The young lady made a full recovery in hospital. "I'll give you a &*^^ Jaffa cake matey" said an irrate Lynn when we tracked her down to her hide-out yesterday.

Grand Theft Football
With all the hype surrounding violent video games and the like, we thought we'd cash in and exploit the situation by releasing an extremely violent football game of our own. The chaps over at Rock Star software have agreed to help us out and the game will hit the shelves in a few weeks.
If anyone wants to pre-order a dodgy copy, they can give Doug a £20 deposit (non-refundable) Terms + conditions below.
Game does not actually exist, we would be in breach of copyright if it did and I'd lose my house in the following law-suit. The deposit would help me to keep the lifestyle to which I've become used to. I cannot guarantee that the deposits will not be spent on beer, lose women and drugs. If you've actually taken the time to read this and re-size the fonts...get a grip, it's only a bit of fun!! But by reading this you have agreed to the implied terms and conditions which are available from Doug and can be changed at any time and without notification and you just have to out up with it...